Friday, January 20, 2006

A Little Note, Perhaps, On The Rating System

Here at Elfstar Industries, LLC, we are committed to presenting to you the absolute best in reviews of the worst things in life. As such, we have developed a scientifically accurate rating system based on the newest algorithmic expressions of badness and goodness in the newly-approaching global monoculture. This rating system is proprietary to Elfstar Industries, LLC, and will not be found on any other sources on the Interweb.

The way the rating system works is thus: some (read lazy) critics will give you a scale of 1-5, or 1-10, to describe the quality of a particular book, or movie, or beer, or bizzarre food item. No, we will not be doing that. Instead, the ratings system will stretch from -12 to +12. Not, of course, that just anything can merit a score of -12 or +12; these are reserved for God and Satan themselves. Place them at either end of the scale that you desire, we're not picky.

But what can possibly stand next to God and Satan? Can something that bad actually be found? The chances that something will be scored at -11 or +11 is unlikely, as there's always something worse, and then where will we stand? The potential for corporate scandal and embarrasment always exists.

Now, how, you may ask, do we calibrate this scale? Well, let's take the beer example, if we may be so bold. For in beer is the best calibration of the scale found: A perfect zero is Budweiser. Why, you may ask? Well, we here at Elfstar Industries, LLC, are happy to tell you why. Budweiser is bland, but not watery. Well, not that watery. Budweiser is inoffensive. Budweiser is consistent - when you ask for one, you know what you're getting. And you can drink it all night long. You might not like drinking it that much, but it's not actively offensive. It doesn't curdle the milk in your Cheerios.

Expand that to books, and to movies, and whatever else, and you'll soon see why our rating scale is the best.


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