Sunday, January 22, 2006

This Wheat That This Bread is Made From Was Grown at an Angle Normal to Sea Level.

X-treme Wheat Bread
Stroehman's Bakeries
Stroehman, 2005

Scale: (-12:12)

Extremely Delicious! Absolutley Delicious!

Look, what can I say about X-treme Wheat Bread? You're gonna look at that picture up top and say, "Elfstar, why did you even buy that?" And you'd be right. Because, well, it's gonna be gross. At the very same time, it was 50% off at the A&P, and it is my responsibility to tell you what is what in consumer culture. Otherwise, I wouldn't be Elfstar.

So first: The Packaging. There's graphs on the back comparing this bread and Stroehman's normal breads. Good. It's nutritious. Excellent. There's also this crappy gold-foil plastic around it. Between the gold foil and the name, it was enough for me to buy. There's also a gymnast, and a footballer. It's an ugly disgrace to graphic design, this bag is. What happened to good graphic design on containers? I want to know. I do.

So, before we get to taste, there's something you need to know: on the way home with this travesty of bread, my shoulder bag (read man-purse) broke. So the bread got crushed. "Elfstar," you're going to say, "How can you review crushed bread fairly?" I know, I know. I was crushed too. But, here's the really scary thing: have you ever heard of memory plastics? Well, this here is memory bread. That's right. Leave it alone for a night after you've crushed it bringing it home, and it springs back into its previous shape. Which explains my stomachache after eating it.

So, the taste and the texture. The texture is remarkably like that of other white breads. Except that this is wheat bread. It has a little more tooth than, say, WonderBread but not nearly the right tooth to be wheat bread. Not too spongy, it isn't, but it sure ain't what you want. The taste, well, you can taste the added vitamins, especially in the crust. The crust, if you're paying attention and hate everything, has a slight lactic acid flavor, which I assume was vitamin C or something that broke down during the cooking process. The taste was remarkably like white bread.

So why the low rating? I don't like my bread to taste like a provision beer. That was nast. Also, white bread's bad enough to begin with, why add the taste of lactic acid? And did you see that packagaing? -4.1 all around.


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